Conversations with the Giant Squid
by Giant Squuidy
Summary: Twoshot. I, Lily Marie Evans, have teenage angst. Therefore I, Lily Marie Evans, like to complain. Therefore I, Lily Marie Evans, will resort to whining to the giant squid of Hogwarts who I like to call Francine. Now with James POV!
1. Lily

**A totally random one-shot that came to me while I was procrasinating on writing that new chapter of Aftermath.**

** A look into the insane mind of Lily Evans.**

** Disclaimer: **I don't own anything except the idea

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**Conversations with the Giant Squid**

Here I was, sitting by the lakeside, basking in the May sun- a perfectly normal display. Because I, Lily Evans, am a perfectly normal 16 year old girl. And coming outside to dangle your toes in the warm water was a perfectly normal thing for a perfectly normal 16 year old girl to do.

As long as you don't notice me muttering to the surface of said water.

Now that would not be a perfectly normal thing for a perfectly normal 16 year old girl to do.

Not that I was perfectly normal or anything. I was just Lily Marie Evans, prefect and sixth year student at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I enjoy many normal things, such as triple fudge ice cream, pillow fights, dancing in the rain, and puppies. I would also enjoy long, romantic walks on the beach, if only my skin wouldn't go all blotchy and burn due to my red hair and out-of-wack skin cells.

Damn my red hair and out-of-wack skin cells.

Did you know it's like, physically impossible for red-haired people to get a tan? I could spend hours by this lake and still look as if I've been locked in a closet my whole like. Sure, my hair maybe be lovely and rare- but is it really worth it?

Anyways, back to me defending my sanity- because talking to water is a totally normal behavior, if you have something to talk to.

And there is quite a bit to converse with. Litter floats by often, and when was the last time you had a heart-to-heart with a butterbeer bottle. It's very uplifting, not that I've done it of course. Sometimes if your lucky, a duck might even swim towards you in hope of finding leftovers from that days breakfast. But they usually leave when they discover that you don't in fact have any leftovers from that days breakfast. Bloody traitors. Not to mention there's zillions of water molecules about, but if you try to talk to just one, the others might get jealous. So I'm hesitant to attempt this. But mostly in the lake, there's the giant squid.

Yes, a real giant squid, and not a figment of my imagination. Though it might be, but I'm pretty sure other people can see it too. And I've read this fact many times in _Hogwarts: A History_.

Fascinating book, by the way.

So yeah, I may mutter to trash and ducks, but mainly I mutter to my friend, the squid. We're really very close. I think it drifts closer to shore when I came to complain, and that's trust there. And since calling something "it" proves to be rather rude, I have taken to calling my squid Francine, because It fits he/she so well.

Maybe if I'm lucky people might just think I have an imaginary friend and leave me be. Those are still considered normal at my age, right?

Yes, I believe they are.

I bet your wondering by a normal girl, like me, comes to talk with a squid in her spare time. And I bet your jumping to conclusions about my mental state of mind as well, but don't judge me! I'm simply helping Francine get through a difficult stage in her/his life.

Or do I have that backwards, because being a teenager may be harder than being a squid- but I'm in no place to judge.

Unlike some people… And if you can't tell, I'm glaring. No, I'm not glaring, I'm glowering.

GLOWERING, you hear? I do have red hair, and I also have the stero-typed red head temper. It goes hand in hand with the out-of-wack skin cells.

I also know a bit of Kung Fu.

So I'm a teenager, therefore I have mass amounts of bottled up teenage angst, therefore I like to complain.

I could whine to my friends, but that might result in the losing of those friends. So I come here to whine instead, because Francine couldn't tell me even if he/she was annoyed by well. Well, it could always drag me into the murky depths of the water, but it hasn't yet- so I'll assume it likes me.

What do I have to complain about, you ask? Quite a lot of things actually. I'm not just the pretty, study-happy prefect. Oh no! I'm also in the Charms Club, but besides that there is a darkness within me no one knows.

Maybe I got a low mark in Transfiguration, or maybe the toast wasn't up-to-snuff that morning. I could be plotting to castrate the next male that hits on me.

And that first year at the beech tree is starting to look pretty fishy to me.

But currently, I'm grumbling about those who call themselves, the Marauders.

They happen to be the most grumble-worthy of my topics, even the toast.

The Marauders consist of Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew, and James Potter. They like to prank and cause mayhem, and on top of it all James seems to like me.

But I could just be misinterpreting his pleading for a date.

Every day since my fifth year, James has asked me to go out with him. And every day since my fifth year, I have rejected and insulted him, maybe even slapped him if I was PMSing that day. Discluding the summer holidays- then a howler would do just fine.

I'm not saying I hate this James fellow. I'm sure he's very sweet once you get past his large ego, love to torment Slytherins, pride, disrespect for rules, obsession with Quidditch, and everything else about him.

The lilies on Valentines Day were an incredibly thoughtful gesture after all. If only I wasn't allergic.

Stuck in the hospital wing when you should be eating those addicting candy hearts is not the ideal way to spend Singles-Awareness Day.

Right now, I'm ranting to Francine about how he slipped a ring into my morning pumpkin juice. I could have died! And then Hogwarts would have a nasty lawsuit on their hands. But luckily, my dear friend Marlene McKinnon noticed the shiny glint in my goblet and pointed it out. Thus death and lawsuit were avoided.

Francine just flopped a tentacle over in response.

But still, despite my anger at him (and I did cause quite a scene in the Great Hall), I slipped the ring into the pocket of my robe. I had every intention of chucking it in the water during today's weekly squid session, but now I just can't!

Which leads me to believe I may be possessed. See what I mean about that darkness within? I should start wearing dark eyeliner and lots of black to match my emotions. But I don';t want to be considered weird or anything.

Bloody Marauders, bloody James, bloody everything.

I'm almost positive that group over yonder is observing me. Either I have a fan-club, or they're growing suspicious of my actions.

What's there to be suspicious of a perfectly normal 16 year old girl spending some time by the gorgeous Hogwarts lake? I happen to see numerous groups of people chatting on the water's edge. One is even tossing old bread out to Francine.

Idiots. He/She's not a pigeon. Squids don't enjoy moldy bread, and with good reason. I can't imagine it tasting too nicely. Plus, it's making my squid drift further and further away towards the other bank.

Bloody idiots, bloody moldy bread, bloody normality.

How am I supposed to talk to the squid, if it's not even around to listen? Now I'll just be classified as that ginger girl who likes to argue with herself.

Or maybe I'll be the crazed carrot-top.

Albino freckled person?

There are just too many crude nicknames for the red heads of the world. So what if we're pale, have freckles, and our hard is more orange than read. I don't hear anyone calling blondes "lemon heads."

Those are some damn addicted muggle candies.

I'm getting off topic, though.

I need to complain about James Potter, but have no squid to complain too! Francine is all the way on the other side of the bank. If I strain my eyes hard enough, I can make out a solitary figure sitting there.

I bet they bribed my poor Francine. Bribery and Blackmail, maybe even piracy. The fiends.

But since when has Hogwarts had a band of pirates who threaten squids?

They sky is gaining it's familiar purple tint, meaning Saturday is slowly beginning to end. Meaning tomorrow will provide new ways for James to "woo" me.

I can hardly wait.

That was sarcasm, by the way. I could very much wait, because I am not looking forward to his possibly deadly plots.

But why am I just sitting here while Francine is being tormented? Am I one of those sick people who enjoy squid-tormenting? I think not.

I must rescue Francine and push the culprit to their death!

Okay, maybe not death. My plans for the future do not include going to Azkaban and having my soul sucked out.

I can't figure out which is worse- losing your soul or the fact you have to snog a dementor to do it. They don't exactly look attractive.

Great, now my dementor rant made my forget why I'm angrily stomping to another side of the like. I really hate it when I get off topic. I'm just here, standing akimbo, many yards behind someone I'm too busy glaring at to notice.

But I see that familiar tentacle splash and remember the blackmail, bribery, piracy, and plots for almost murder.

More muttering, but amazingly not by me. A few moments later I Comprehend that said someone is doing said muttering.

"_I just don't get it._"

The muttering becomes more a muffled talking, as the someone has their head buried in their hands. I always thought pirates were supposed to be angry and say "arg" a lot.

Francine actually seemed to be listening to him, too. The two-timer.

"_I try so hard_."

So what if I'm eavesdropping? This is juicy stuff! I'm surprised more people don't spy on me while I ramble, unless they really do…

So aren't I the real victim here?

The someone lifts their head, and stares at the water. Even through the dimming light I can see the messy black hair, and I'm sure if he was looking this way I would see hazel.

Of all people to be insane, James Potter? Besides the fact he likes me, I've always thought him to me the normal type.

Just proves, you shouldn't judge people.

"_I just love her so much, you know?_"

Now this was making it almost indecent to spy. I'm sure James wouldn't appreciate it.

Oh well, now I'm intrigued. I'm going to choose to be oblivious to his real feelings for me and act like I don't know who he's talking about. So who could he be referring too? I know he's convinced I'm :the one", but he can't be that serious.

Or Sirius.

Oh Gods, I should avada-kedavra myself now.

"_I thought the ring was perfect, too._"

Even I can put two-and-two together. He "loves" this girl he gave a ring to, and he gave me a ring.

Now I really question his mentality.

"_But I won't give up._"

Wow, he almost sounds determined. Makes me want to run up and hug him. Pity he stole my squid.

"_I'll just have to ask her out again tomorrow._"

Reaching into my pocket, I finger the delicate emerald ring, that was so lovingly placed in my pumpkin juice this morning.

"_I'll get my Lily someday, you'll see_."

And somehow, the though of tomorrow began to look brighter in my twisted mind.

I would have to tell Francine all of this later- but now I have a squid-stealer to go hug and thank for a certain ring.

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**I actually really like this story. Soooo..**

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	2. James

**Authors Note: This story wasn't supposed to have a sequel chapter or anything, I just thought it needed one. It occurs with the same events Lily rants about previously, but through James' perspective! I happen to think it's very cute.**

**Many references were made to my buddys TOTALLY RANDOM AWESOME STORY- If you give James a cookie...  - so if you want to know how the whole "cookie" chaos originated, go visit _Thegodmachine_, because she totally rocks.**

**Seriously, go read her story or I'll eat it. It includes much of my randomness as well. **

** Disclaimer- **I do not own Harry Potter, and references to other stories are made clear.

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**  
Conversations with the Giant Squid- James  
**  
Don't you hate it when you wake up assured that the day ahead will be perfect in every way possible, and it most certainly isn't. Usually mornings are horrendous and leave you wanting nothing more then to go back to bed, or to maul the nearest perky person. People just shouldn't be that happy so early… But when you actually are happy, it means danger looms in the distance. 

Can't you just see that black cloud drifting closer and closer over the tips of the mountains? Don't let your joy lead you into a false sense of security.

So I woke up on this lovely Saturday feeling refreshed and ready to face the day ahead. I felt awake relatively early, meaning I could get the hot water in the shower. It was bliss knowing that the other guys weren't even awake to steal my towel and taunt me as I frantically tried to stay decent. While I brushed my teeth, I could only laugh as I watched my mate Sirius struggle with his covers, resulting in a harmful falling off bed- only to cleanse himself in the cold water that comes with three previous showerings. But then again , it's quite difficult to sleep past Sirius.

I met up with Remus and Peter in the common room, and we attempted to wait for Sirius to finish up, but soon got tired of waiting- so instead we strolled down to the Great Hall. Yes, when James Potter is in a good mood he strolls.

I didn't even mind it when that creepy cat-girl, Emily, tried to jump onto my back and declare her love for her_ (Reference to Thegodmachine- If you give a Potter a Cookie...)_. And that's really saying something.

Sometime during our relaxed gait, Sirius caught up with us and pronounced us all as "bloody wankers"- but I didn't mind that either. Sure, I tripped him on the first chance possible, but only because he was lagging behind our happy trot- because when your happy, EVERYONE has to be happy.

Breakfast was unusually wonderful this morning, and the toast was the best I've ever tasted. It was the perfect combination of light, fluffy bread with melted margarine. Heaven in your mouth is what I call it. Along with some cookies Peter found somewhere, it could count as the best meal ever. _(Reference to Thegodmachine- If you give a Potter a Cookie...) _Not only because of the chocolate-chip delight, but because today I was assured I would get the girl of my dreams.

I don't ask for much in life. A new racing broom, some Zonko's products, maybe even some nourishment here and there- but what I really want is Lily Evans.

She's the resident Gryffindor 6th year prefect, who is nothing short of perfect. I love the way her dark red hair falls onto her shoulders, framing her face, and the way her deep emerald eyes can always show what emotion she's feeling. I love the way she walks down the corridors with her head held high as she clutches her books for her next class, and I love the way she can imitate a dying duck so wonderfully. That's sheer talent, I happen to know for a fact that dying ducks are very hard to mimic _(Reference to Thegodmachine- If you give a Potter a Cookie...)._

So there's only one problem stopping me from being with my Lily, but it is only very small. Lily happens to hate me and think I'm an "egotistical, arrogant, selfish, prat", but deep down I know she finds me adorable. Everyone does.

It must be my rugged dark hair that always looks like I've gotten off my broom, and the way I drag my hands through it ever so casually. Maybe it's my stunning good looks and my entrancing hazel eyes. Whatever it is, I'm irresistible.

Then why must Lily resist me!

Not today though, I finally have the way to make her admit her feelings for me. I happen to know that girls love jewelry, and I also happen to know that Lily is of the female species. So Lily plus jewelry equals a happy Lily who would go out with James. It's all a very well thought out plan. On the last Hogsmeade trip I found a magnificent emerald ring in a fancy shop that sells those sort of things. I really really don't shop in those places often, seriously. Usually I'm at the Quidditch store fantasizing about the newest model of broom. The new Cleansweep _is_ luscious, no matter what Sirius says.

Anywho, something compelled me to go into the dainty feminine store- so I did. That's when I saw the lovely-Lily-ring. I bought it with the intention of giving it to her when we were going out/married, just in case I forgot her birthday or something. That way, I'd always have backup.

But this morning seemed like the perfect opportunity to confess my love to her and give her the ring. I had the whole scene planned out in my head- I would sweep her off of her feet during breakfast and tell her in front of the whole school how she was the only girl for me. As I said these words, most of the girl population would faint, or run off crying. Lily, in turn, would throw her arms around me and admit to hiding her growing emotions about me, and then we would end in a passionate snogging session. Somehow in the middle of all of that I would slip the ring onto her finger- thus making her my girlfriend.

Of course, I told the Marauders this on the way to breakfast, which caused the immediate taunting and question of masculinity that I had to face. Sirius dissolved into a fit of manly giggles when he found out, and told me I had to be crazy- because Lily would rather date the squid, and that's a direct quote. Remus sympathetically patted me on the back, telling me that I need to find a new girl to stalk. Peter stumbled, but recovered and offered me a cookie. That boy always has cookies on him…

So even though the toast was extra-yummy for breakfast, I still had to sit with the growing anticipation that maybe Lily wouldn't like my love profession. What if she just laughed at me, what if it made her hate me more, what if she doesn't like huge public displays like that?

All of these thoughts running through my head caused me to panic and form a new plan, a more discret plan.

Slipping the ring into her morning pumpkin juice seemed much more safe at the time. Little did I know that Lily is incredibly paranoid about objects in her liquids.

And it turns out she does enjoy huge public displays, as on discovery of the lovely-Lily-ring she jumped from her seat and screeched. That Marlene girl who is always with her seemed to be frantically trying to calm her down, but to no avail. The way to know if Lily means business is to just look in her eyes, if they seem almost reddish- then it's time to get out of her way. That's the glint she gets every time I ask her out, but it has to be a coincidence. Anywho, Lily marched over to my section of that table with that possessed glare in her eye- for all I know, she is possessed- and began her oh-so-common rant of how I was just an arrogant pig who she would never go out with. Same old, same old. She then proceeded to pour _my_ morning pumpkin juice down my front, and snatching away the delicious piece of toast I was about to devour. The nerve of her. By now everyone was gawking at us, most likely amazed at her ability to turn me down.

It ended the same as they always do, she huffed away with her friends close behind, and I'm left to wallow in my rejection. But if you have to wallow, why not do it and enjoy it as well?

So that is why I am currently wallowing on the bank of the lake, watching the little ripples that form when something moves on the surface of the water. It may be a rather pathetic display, but I feel rather pathetic. I should have never trusted today when I discovered that the house elves left us a new non-crusty tube of toothpaste, because I really do hate that film that forms on the tip.

Sitting here is proving to be rather dull, even if I am supposed to be depressed. And watching those annoying third years throw moldy bread at Joshua is only proving to annoy me more then they are.

He has feelings too, if they don't realize, and I don't think they would like it if I started pelting old pieces of bread at them. Joshua should pelt them right back, but he doesn't have any backbone- symbolically and literally. That bloody squid needs to show them who's boss, and show that it will not stand to have food thrown in its general direction.

So I gave the squid a name, I come here often enough that we got to know each other. This is where I come after Lily puts me down. It's usually quiet (if you ignore the bread-pelting third years) and no one questions you about it. The lake is a popular spot to think and philosophize about your place in the world, or maybe the meaning of life. I'd figure out my place if I wasn't trying to figure out girls.

That dim light that can only mean the evening is coming, and the bread-pelters seem to have gotten bored with bread-pelting and are heading back into the castle. Plus, it's getting chilly out here. Maybe the new cold is symbolic for my crummy mood. Maybe the darkness is a sign to show I'll always be alone, and I should get used to it. Maybe I can end my pain and suffering by throwing myself into the lake besides Joshua.

No, that would be too angsty. If I have to die, I'd rather die in some heroic way- such as a pirate invasion on Hogwarts, or a freak Quidditch accident that still resulted in my team winning. But that still doesn't change the fact that I'm sitting alone outside on a Saturday night, and not on a date with Lily Evans.

_ "I just don't get it…"_

I think I'm beginning to lose my sanity as well if I think I just said what I think I just said. Which is "I just don't get it"- true, I don't get it, but talking to myself isn't going to help anything.

I swear I here something from behind me, like movement of some sort. Watch it be those third years again, done with pelting bread and back to laugh at my insanity. Insensitive arses, is what they are. Unemotional buttocks. Cruel behinds. Sickening derrieres.

Perhaps coming up with butt references isn't helping much either. Or it could be helping loads and I'm just too stupid to realize it. I must not realize a lot of things. Mainly about Lily.  
_  
"I try so hard."_

Shut up, mouth! Must you vocalize my thoughts at all possible moments! It's bloody irritating after awhile. Yup, those third years are definitely having a good snicker about this. It's probably very hilarious actually, so I'll refrain from turning around and body slamming them to the ground. That might be considered assault too.

Joshua seems to be getting bored of my mind-ranting, as he is showing signs of impatience. Squids are never very good in that area, I have found. Neither are squirrels for that matter. I tried to talk to the one that likes to hang around the beech tree- I even named it Ducky- but it just wasn't the same.

_"I just love her so much, you know?"_

Okay, I'm seriously mental. I wasn't even thinking about Lily at that moment and I said something about her. Unless I'm secretly in love with Ducky and don't know it. Hopefully not, as I don't think my parents would approve of my marriage to a squirrel. An impatient squirrel at that.

"_But I won't give up."_

Really, I need to know what I won't give up on. Ducky, or Lily? They both prove to be hard to talk to. I'm sure I could win over Duck if I just dangled a peanut or something in front of his face, but that might not work on Lily. Or it might, I'll have to try sometime.

_"I'll get my Lily someday, you'll see."_

Yeah! I will get my Lily someday! The peanut will work, and she'll fall in love with me, and we'll get married and have adorable Quidditch playing babies! And the first thing I do after I have her, is bring her to this very lake and boast to Joshua.

You see, he has never had much faith in the cause.

Oh Merlin! Those third years that were giggling from behind as they witnessed my growing insanity have taken to hostility! And to improving their wrestling skills! Strong little buggers, they are. I swear I didn't have that much force when I was 13. Unless this is some new mutant breed of third years. I think they may be after my soul, but I'm not quite sure.

Or it could be Lily running up to snog be ferociously after hearing my love confession to Joshua.

That works too…

Hopefully she's not after my soul as well.

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**Authors Note: Reading this actually caused me to laugh. But that could just be me.**

**Pleeeeeeeeease review.**

**I'll love you forever.**

**And if you don't- I'll unleash those rabid third years on you.  
**


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